by Eve Eschner Hogan and Steve Hogan Hunter House Publishers, 2000
Copyright 2000, Eve Eschner Hogan
Chapter 28: Vacations
Tanya's goal for traveling is to visit sacred places and
learn about the spiritual practices of the countries she visits. Her boyfriend,
Todd, doesn't share the same interest but expects to go fishing no matter
where they go. While Tanya likes to fish as well, she doesn't want to
give up her interest in spirituality. Once they both accept the other's
preferences, they will need to be
willing to either do both or anticipate separate vacation times.People
often find that while they may get along in their day-to-day lives, they
fight constantly on trips. Others find that they travel great together
but don't get along at all in a normal daily work schedule. Spending twenty-four
hours a day together, away from the comforts of home, creates new dynamics
to explore. If your idea of the perfect vacation is to relax on a secluded
beach with your partner, and your partner's idea of perfection is to go
trekking in the Himalayas, this is valuable information to discover well
in advance of the vacation! By talking it through beforehand, some compromises
can be reached and problems prevented.
Traveling can bring up expectations and issues of respect,
fear, safety, comfort, control, and finances, to name only a few. When
Steven and I were at the airport on our honeymoon, getting ready to take
off for Costa Rica, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the fear that I didn't
know what to expect from him in a foreign country. I don't know why I
thought he would be any different than normal, but the issues of not speaking
the language well and not knowing the turf made me feel vulnerable.
Be especially aware if you meet (or met) your partner on
a vacation. When people are on vacation, they are in a relaxed, low-stress
situation. Living in Hawaii, we see tourists all the time who think that
living here would be just like twenty-four hours a day of vacation. The
reality is that people in Hawaii are working, while the tourists are playing.
Living in a resort community is very different than visiting it. Tara
moved to the mainland to be with Daryl, a med-student tourist whom she
fell in love with while he was on a Maui vacation, sure that he was "the
one." After a few short months, she returned, saying that Daryl wasn't
the same in "real life." Things always look different when you're
dealing with the stresses of daily life than they do when you're spending
leisure time and money. So if you meet on vacation, take "real life"
tasks and time schedules into consideration. That isn't to say that it
can't work, as Steven and I met when I was on vacation! Just be aware
of unrealistic expectations.
The questions in this book can help you on vacation as
well as during the planning stages. One family took Intellectual Foreplay
on a long drive and used appropriate questions to spur conversations with
their adolescent kids. They found it a useful tool, not only for filling
the time but for getting to know their children better. Another young
man called and begged me to send him a book quickly for his upcoming road
trip with a new girlfriend.
Questions to Ask Each Partner
What kind of vacations do you like?
What would be your ideal vacation?
Do you like to travel?
How important is travel to you? Is it a major feature
of your life?
If you're interested in traveling, where would you most
like to go?
Where have you traveled?
Do you have a particular goal in mind when you travel
(to see spiritual places, visit museums, participate in a sport or recreation,
sightsee, relax, visit friends/family, see natural phenomena or historical
places, etc.)?
When you go on vacations, do you return to the same
places year after year, or do you try to go somewhere new each time?
Would you go somewhere that didn't interest you or somewhere
you'd been before if your partner wanted to go?
Do you try to see everything when you go somewhere,
or do you stay in the same area and relax?
Do you like to go camping/backpacking?
Do you tend to take fancy, expensive trips or bargain,
budgeted trips?
Do you like passive vacations (such as cruises or sitting
by a pool), active trips (such as biking across country), or risk-taking
ones (such as trekking in the Himalayas)?
What do you like to do to relax?
What are the minimum amenities you require when traveling?
Do you both tolerate conditions and inconveniences similarly?
Can you really get away from work, or do you feel a
need to call in every day or so?
Do you tend to worry about the house or business while
you're away?
What is the minimum/maximum length of time you feel
a vacation (traveling)
should last?
How much vacation time do you get off from work each
year? How often do you
go on vacation?
Do you like to take weekend vacations?
When traveling in a car, do you allow room for spontaneous
side trips and exploration, or do you drive straight from point A to
point B?
How do you fill the time on long road trips?
How do you feel about flying?
Do you fly economy, business, or first class? Are you
flexible about this?
How do you feel about boat trips or cruises?
Do you get sea sick? Motion sick?
How do you feel about separate vacations?
Do you travel on the spur of the moment/spontaneously,
or do you require/prefer plenty of planning time?
Do you tend to get to the airport (train station, etc.)
with plenty of time to spare, or do you tend to arrive at the last minute?
Do you save money for a trip and travel within your
means, or do you use
credit and pay it off when you get back?
Do you plan your own trips or go with guided tour groups?
When you go on vacation, do you get a housesitter? Who
looks after your home?
When you travel to foreign countries, do you try to
learn some of the language before you go, or do you expect that they
will be able to understand your language?
Do you learn about the places you travel to before you
go there?
When you travel to foreign countries, do you tend to
appreciate the different ways of the people, or do you find the differences
strange or upsetting?
Do you tend to travel light or pack everything you possibly
can? Are you willing to carry what you pack, or do you expect your partner
to do
it?
Questions to Explore as a Couple
Who is in charge of planning vacations?
Do you prefer traveling alone, with your partner, with
your family, or in groups with lots of friends?
Are you willing to go on vacations with your or your
partner's family?
When you go on vacations together, do you feel you should
stay together the whole time, or do you go off to explore separately,
reuniting later?
How do you handle the finances on vacations? Do both
partners pay equally?
Self-Observations
Do you feel as though you and your partner will get
along when spending
twenty-four hours a day together on a trip, for a number of days in
a row?
Do you feel totally trusting and safe traveling with
your partner? (Do you trust that they won't abandon you in unfamiliar
surroundings or get into awkward situations with strangers? Do you trust
their sensitivity and respect for other cultures?)
Do you argue about directions or what activities you
want to do on vacation?
need to be
willing to either do both or anticipate separate vacation times.People
often find that while they may get along in their day-to-day lives, they
fight constantly on trips. Others find that they travel great together
but don't get along at all in a normal daily work schedule. Spending twenty-four
hours a day together, away from the comforts of home, creates new dynamics
to explore. If your idea of the perfect vacation is to relax on a secluded
beach with your partner, and your partner's idea of perfection is to go
trekking in the Himalayas, this is valuable information to discover well
in advance of the vacation! By talking it through beforehand, some compromises
can be reached and problems prevented.
