Excerpt from
"Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers & Lovers to Be"

by Eve Eschner Hogan and Steve Hogan
Hunter House Publishers, 2000
Copyright 2000, Eve Eschner Hogan

Chapter 28: Vacations

Tanya's goal for traveling is to visit sacred places and learn about the spiritual practices of the countries she visits. Her boyfriend, Todd, doesn't share the same interest but expects to go fishing no matter where they go. While Tanya likes to fish as well, she doesn't want to give up her interest in spirituality. Once they both accept the other's preferences, they will need to be willing to either do both or anticipate separate vacation times.People often find that while they may get along in their day-to-day lives, they fight constantly on trips. Others find that they travel great together but don't get along at all in a normal daily work schedule. Spending twenty-four hours a day together, away from the comforts of home, creates new dynamics to explore. If your idea of the perfect vacation is to relax on a secluded beach with your partner, and your partner's idea of perfection is to go trekking in the Himalayas, this is valuable information to discover well in advance of the vacation! By talking it through beforehand, some compromises can be reached and problems prevented.

Traveling can bring up expectations and issues of respect, fear, safety, comfort, control, and finances, to name only a few. When Steven and I were at the airport on our honeymoon, getting ready to take off for Costa Rica, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the fear that I didn't know what to expect from him in a foreign country. I don't know why I thought he would be any different than normal, but the issues of not speaking the language well and not knowing the turf made me feel vulnerable.

Be especially aware if you meet (or met) your partner on a vacation. When people are on vacation, they are in a relaxed, low-stress situation. Living in Hawaii, we see tourists all the time who think that living here would be just like twenty-four hours a day of vacation. The reality is that people in Hawaii are working, while the tourists are playing. Living in a resort community is very different than visiting it. Tara moved to the mainland to be with Daryl, a med-student tourist whom she fell in love with while he was on a Maui vacation, sure that he was "the one." After a few short months, she returned, saying that Daryl wasn't the same in "real life." Things always look different when you're dealing with the stresses of daily life than they do when you're spending leisure time and money. So if you meet on vacation, take "real life" tasks and time schedules into consideration. That isn't to say that it can't work, as Steven and I met when I was on vacation! Just be aware of unrealistic expectations.

The questions in this book can help you on vacation as well as during the planning stages. One family took Intellectual Foreplay on a long drive and used appropriate questions to spur conversations with their adolescent kids. They found it a useful tool, not only for filling the time but for getting to know their children better. Another young man called and begged me to send him a book quickly for his upcoming road trip with a new girlfriend.

Questions to Ask Each Partner

• What kind of vacations do you like?
• What would be your ideal vacation?
• Do you like to travel?
• How important is travel to you? Is it a major feature
  of your life?
• If you're interested in traveling, where would you most like to go?
  Where have you traveled?
• Do you have a particular goal in mind when you travel (to see spiritual places, visit museums, participate in a sport or recreation, sightsee, relax, visit friends/family, see natural phenomena or historical places, etc.)?
• When you go on vacations, do you return to the same places year after year, or do you try to go somewhere new each time?
• Would you go somewhere that didn't interest you or somewhere you'd been before if your partner wanted to go?
• Do you try to see everything when you go somewhere, or do you stay in the same area and relax?
• Do you like to go camping/backpacking?
• Do you tend to take fancy, expensive trips or bargain, budgeted trips?
• Do you like passive vacations (such as cruises or sitting by a pool), active trips (such as biking across country), or risk-taking ones (such as trekking in the Himalayas)?
• What do you like to do to relax?
• What are the minimum amenities you require when traveling?
• Do you both tolerate conditions and inconveniences similarly?
• Can you really get away from work, or do you feel a need to call in every day or so?
• Do you tend to worry about the house or business while you're away?
• What is the minimum/maximum length of time you feel a vacation (traveling)
  should last?
• How much vacation time do you get off from work each year? How often do you
  go on vacation?
• Do you like to take weekend vacations?
• When traveling in a car, do you allow room for spontaneous side trips and exploration, or do you drive straight from point A to point B?
• How do you fill the time on long road trips?
• How do you feel about flying?
• Do you fly economy, business, or first class? Are you flexible about this?
• How do you feel about boat trips or cruises?
• Do you get sea sick? Motion sick?
• How do you feel about separate vacations?
• Do you travel on the spur of the moment/spontaneously, or do you require/prefer plenty of planning time?
• Do you tend to get to the airport (train station, etc.) with plenty of time to spare, or do you tend to arrive at the last minute?
• Do you save money for a trip and travel within your means, or do you use
  credit and pay it off when you get back?
• Do you plan your own trips or go with guided tour groups?
• When you go on vacation, do you get a housesitter? Who looks after your home?
• When you travel to foreign countries, do you try to learn some of the language before you go, or do you expect that they will be able to understand your language?
• Do you learn about the places you travel to before you go there?
• When you travel to foreign countries, do you tend to appreciate the different ways of the people, or do you find the differences strange or upsetting?
• Do you tend to travel light or pack everything you possibly can? Are you willing to carry what you pack, or do you expect your partner to do
  it?

Questions to Explore as a Couple

• Who is in charge of planning vacations?
• Do you prefer traveling alone, with your partner, with your family, or in groups with lots of friends?
• Are you willing to go on vacations with your or your partner's family?
• When you go on vacations together, do you feel you should stay together the whole time, or do you go off to explore separately, reuniting later?
• How do you handle the finances on vacations? Do both partners pay equally?
  

Self-Observations

• Do you feel as though you and your partner will get along when spending
  twenty-four hours a day together on a trip, for a number of days in a row?
• Do you feel totally trusting and safe traveling with your partner? (Do you trust that they won't abandon you in unfamiliar surroundings or get into awkward situations with strangers? Do you trust their sensitivity and respect for other cultures?)
• Do you argue about directions or what activities you want to do on vacation?

Do you argue over packing or how much to bring?


Eve Hogan is a motivational speaker, author, and educator. Along with "Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-be," she has authored "Virtual Foreplay: Online and In Love," to be released May 2001. For more on Eve Hogan, see http://www.EveHogan.com, http://www.HeartPath.com or http://www.maui.net/~evehogan/meetings/